Molly’s Awesome Fried Rice Stir Fry Thing

It’s that time of the year again! That wonderful time where I try in vain to transform the methods and madness that led to my one-off culinary masterpieces into words so you to can try in vain to reproduce it. This time I will be describing a…thing. I’m not quite sure what to call it, to be honest, it is certainly asian-inspired and has qualities of both a fried rice and a stir fry but is distractingly distant enough from both that it seems to qualify as neither. It is pretty damn tasty regardless of the specific nomenclature though, and with my guidance and a little (lot) of luck you too will soon be making magic in the kitchen!

This is a vegetarian dish, but not vegan. Feeds two!

Ingredients

About half a red cabbage.

One brown onion.

Broccoli. You could probably get away with broccolini if you are feeling fancy but I was not.

Two or three large green chilis.

Soy sauce, Kikkoman if possible.

Honey.

Cayenne pepper.

Jasmine rice, about 250 grams worth. I buy these microwave packs to save me having to actually cook rice because nothing sounds as dreadful to me as cooking rice, but you know, you can do whatever.

About 200 grams of very firm tofu, flavoured if possible. I used a sesame soy variety sold at my local Woolworths but if you prefer to marinate your own tofu or prefer a different flavour (or no flavour???) go nuts dudes.

Peanut oil.

Method(man)

1. Preheat your frying pan or wok and lubricate it thoroughly with the peanut oil. I’m not sure lubricate was an appropriate word choice for this step but I’m sticking with it because it sounds kind of dirty. lol.

2. Dice up all the vegetables to your liking. I like my cabbage to be kind of chunky and my onion to be kind of fine, personally, but if you are dead-set on being wrong then who am I to stop you? I am just one woman, I cannot repair all the world’s sins on my own.

2. Once the pan is hot enough throw in your vegetables and stir them around half-heartedly with a wooden spoon. Cut your tofu into largish chunks and add them also, resisting the temptation to eat a huge chunk of it before it even hits the pan (you will fail).

3. Add soy sauce, honey and cayenne pepper. There is no like, science to this, I just kind of follow my heart. If you add too much soy sauce it should be okay because the rice will absorb a lot of it later and become somehow more delicious in the process. I think it is an alchemical thing? I don’t know, I am not a gastronomist. Also, if you are not super keen on heat do keep in mind that you have already added fresh chili, so if you would like to back off on the cayenne pepper at this step I will not judge you.

4. Stir it all thoroughly and put the lid on the pan. This is important! By putting the lid on you are getting a nice steam-y thing going on and this will reduce your broccoli and cabbage from terrible crunchy atrocities to soft edible goodness. Let it sit like this for about five minutes, stirring very occasionally.

5. Once the food has been cooking for a while and you are confident it is almost about done, put your sachet of rice in the microwave. The brand I use takes 90 seconds! That is insane but perfect, because I fucking hate cooking rice. If for some reason you are cooking your rice fresh in a rice cooker or on the stove you probably should’ve started that ages ago to be honest, I just kind of assumed you’d be doing the intelligent thing and utilising the incredible technologies our modern age has brought us. Sorry! But not. I’m not sorry.

6. Once the rice is cooked turn off the frying pan or remove it from heat and stir the rice through immediately, while the pan is still hot. Get it all up in there, mix it in with everything, you won’t regret it. Serve on two partially chipped plates you’re pretty sure you stole off your landlord and enjoy! You have just made Molly’s Awesome Fried Rice Stir Fry Thing. You will not regret your decision for a moment.

(Note: If for some reason this recipe feels familiar to you there is a reason for that. It has become a sharper, more honed weapon since those early days, however, and I encourage you to try it again!)

no more flowers

There are a lot of things that have the potential to get me down if I think about them too much, but by far my biggest trigger is waste. I know that sounds fucking stupid, but if I allow my brain to ponder the mysteries of how our dying planet is able to sustain not just one but multiple brands of chain stores for cheap bottom shelf crap it really begins to eat at me. Think about it dudes: somewhere out there is a factory (or factories) pumping out millions of shitty tchotchkes of poor to middling quality to be sold (or not) to poor Australian shoppers only to end up in the bin at the end anyway, either the long way or the short way. That represents, to me, just a monumental waste of energy and resources and just human blood, sweat and tears and I hate it. There is a reason I live in a house almost entirely devoid of decorations or furniture, and that is part of it.

(The other part involves poorness.)

Other things that inspire the same kind of profound existential sadness in me include pet stores that sell live animals, pawn shops and pay day loan stores that exist almost entirely to profit off of people at their most desperate and miserable, and garage sales. Sometimes I think my internal empathy-o-tron might just be totally out of whack, but other times I feel like I’m the only sane person in a world of maniacs, but it is what it is. I have discovered a new thing that sets me off this week though, and it is bound to frustrate all attempts by future paramours to win my heart cheaply: flowers. Flowers make me sad.

Not at first though! Fresh flowers are lovely at first. It’s as the days wear on an petals begin to wilt and brown that it begins to make me feel conflicted and kind of despondent. They are just so impermanent, and so much went into the making of the bunch that for them to just die almost (cosmically speaking) anyway seems like too much to me, I cannot stand it. In an attempt to mitigate this internal stress response I have been burying the dead flowers in the soil of my mandarin tree as I remove them from the arrangement in some vain attempt to maybe continue the circle of life with them in a way that would be otherwise impossible if I just threw them in the bin and I am also trying to press some of them, but results may vary with that kind of thing so I’m not holding my breath. All in all however, as much as I love them and the gesture they represent now that the depression that inspired their purchase has passed I’m kind of at a loss as to how to fit them into my stupid, contradictory, hippy-esque world-view. I guess I’ll just keep feeding them back into my little pathetic garden as I go? It is as good an idea as any.

Safety Belts Can Stay Actually

I was in a minor car accident yesterday. There I was, minding my own business and completely stationary at the lights when all of a sudden my whole world became noise and I was screaming and all the shit that lives in the compartments above my head in the van was raining down on me. I had been impacted from behind by someone who was travelling at speed and it was terrifying. I spent most of the afternoon after that in shock, only coming out of my little bubble for as long as it took to complete my last job. So that happened.

It was bound to happen eventually of course, when you drive as much as I do the odds of terrible shit befalling you on the road go up in a steady correlation with how much time you spend on the road but that doesn’t mean I was any more or less prepared for it when it did happen. I have been in accidents of course but the only times I’ve been in an accident while physically driving I was at fault (my little car only ever seems to sustain damage while it is parked and I am absent) so I had no idea what to expect. Now I do! Noise and terror. I should expect noise and terror, always.

To my credit I followed all the company procedures as best I could given the nature of the incident, and my van wasn’t too badly mangled – they’ll probably be able to get away with a new door and new bumper and call it a day. All in all it is not too terrible, I was just shell shocked by the experience very badly and if we are being brutally honest it probably went about as smoothly as an accident can go. Still kicked my arse though, and in recognition of this fact I send out my sincerest apologies to all the people I’ve run up the bums of over the years. I didn’t know man, I just didn’t know.

i’ll be one of those crossfit bitches next you watch

Thursday is a day I look forward to all week, for one reason and one reason alone: it’s cheat day, it’s the day I stop caring about my diet for 24 hours and just let my fat arse gorge on whatever my fat arse wants. I buy lollies and I eat cake and I try out new restaurants without fear of not knowing their menus down to a fine science like I do my regular places and it is good. This is the key to healthy living I feel: good food eaten in moderation with regular exercise but still giving yourself permission every so often to fuck up on purpose and not feel bad about that. I would’ve failed a long time ago if I didn’t have my cheat days.

I have really taken to exercising too, it makes me feel better on a lot of levels and I am also much less unfit than I thought I was so it’s not as hard or stressful as I’d imagined. Somewhere between the last time I exercised on purpose and now I guess I quit smoking and lost a ton of weight so that probably helps, but my job is a little more physical than I give it credit for too. I try to exercise at least half an hour a day four days a week but I go over depending on how well populated my YouTube subscriptions are for the day (I create YouTube playlists to watch while working out), and tend to hover around forty-five minutes to an hour. I have literally never exercised this consistently in my life and have also never felt better.

Weird.

black cats

My depression is passing, for a while at least. It feels like I live under a black fog sometimes and it is very hard to shake that feeling; only time and introspection (and maybe a little bit of exercise) seems to have any effect. It cannot be rushed, and sometimes it just seems to be something the universe has decided I have to endure and so I do, I endure the fuck out of it. I plod through from day to day and people who care give me the sympathetic smiles and try to help in whatever way they can and people who don’t continue to not care and the world keeps on spinnin’ no matter what camp somebody falls into. Anyway, that’s over now for a while, and hopefully it does not re-emerge from its dark chrysalis to plague my life and my days again anytime soon. At least I got some beautiful flowers out of it from my mummy, because she was so worried about me. I think that is the only semi-productive thing this gloom has wrought.

Today was…well, not fine for once, it was busy as fuck and I was not excited to be at work in the slightest. If something could go wrong it did, if it could backfire it backfired, and also I bought a handbag because I happened to be working at a store that sold handbags. It’s nice! Little, but made of lovely soft leather with a matte finish in black. It also came with an option shoulder strap which I attached immediately because I prefer a shoulder strap at all times, even though it is apparently a leading cause of scoliosis. I’m already warping my musculoskeletal system with high heels though, so why not go the whole hog and fuck my back in the process? Couldn’t possibly hurt. Or well, I guess it could but it will not hurt for a long time at any rate so I’ll make that a Future Molly problem. That bitch can deal with the seeds this bitch has sown, man. Fuck her.

(somebody please fuck her)

I’m watching Martian Successor Nadesico and it’s fun and goofy. I started with Cowboy Bebop, which is a sci-fi/western/gang anime that makes you cry frequently, and I moved on to Outlaw Star after that, which is a sci-fi/pirate/adventure anime that made such huge leaps in logic that it blew my mind, and I am now on this, which seems to to be a sci-fi/harem/war anime about a dude who is just drowning in pussy and is not interested at all because reasons and also war. I have never watched a so-called harem anime before this and I find the whole theme bizarre, like, clearly it was written by a lonely white dude who was looking to pen some fucking incredible wish fulfilment, and he did and then they turned it into a TV show. Still though, I like it, enough to almost be done with it at least after having only downloaded it a few days ago, at the very least. You can say whatever you like about me dudes, but it is hard to deny that I work fast.

© 2014 Molly Speechley