Nightmare and Voodoo

Today was busy but also slow, somehow. The numbers say I did a lot of work but the actions say otherwise; at one point I spent forty-five minutes at home just trying on different combinations of shoes and stockings and jewellery to see what worked best with my new dress and that is not an example of a productive girl, guys, especially when you take into account that after I decided on an outfit I was content with I then spent a further twenty minutes making a pico de gallo…basically I spent probably a combined hour of my work day just dicking around at home and getting paid for the privilege. I enjoyed doing that too, because it makes for such a refreshing change of pace but also didn’t, I guess? I like my workload to be high and consistent but I’m also close to burning out so any chance to back off on the throttle for even a second is a welcome one. I guess am full of conflicting emotions and statements on the matter. Anyway, look at my new dress!


So yeah, it is a pretty fucking awful photo, of this there is no doubt, but you can see the dress in it! The top half of the dress was actually a smidddddge tight, but luckily the material they use is like, super-stretchy so I still made it work, barely. I’m wearing it with tights and suede high heels from Target that I bought a while ago for reasons I’m unsure of (because I wanted them, probably?), but I am not yet convinced that this is the final shape the outfit is going to take. I’m also investigating the possibility of ultra-plain flats with bare legs for example, because I feel like that would be cute and also not involve sweltering in the sun in thick black hosiery, or maybe even ankle boots with knee thigh high socks? I don’t know, the skies the limit here. I’m sure I’ll think of something.

My pico de gallo was pretty great, by the way, and I’m thinking a chaser of plum jam and cheddar cheese on toast will make the evening complete. Hopefully it won’t give me crazy nightmares like I had last night (one of the most memorable involving the visceral image of a coworker I actually like literally sawing a baby goat in half and gutting it in front of me), but hey, brain chemistry’s gonna do what brain chemistry’s gonna do, right? I am afeared and afraid, but also really want some toast so I think I’m gonna risk it. Wish me luck!


I feel to tired too write, but a lot of things happened today actually worth writing about so I will turn all of those things into bullet points on a list and you, the reader, can have fun imagining the tortured metaphors I would have used to link the topics all on your own! Think hyperbole and melodrama and unrelenting verbosity, guys, and you should probably be half-way there. I have total faith you can do this. Let’s go!

* I finally ate at the vegetarian indian restaurant I have been eyeing off in Mount Gravatt for months and it was underwhelming. I don’t know if I built the idea of the place up way too much in my mind, or if they were having an off day or what, but I was very disappointed and will probably not be going back. It’s so hard to find interesting savoury vegetarian takeaway foods and I was so excited at just the idea of maybe having found one but all my hopes and all my dreams have come to naught. Oh well.

* I ate sushi, as well! Mini avocado sushis with like, three drops of soy sauce each (delivered in style from a tiny plastic fish, natch) and they were pretty great. I’m till not on board with the whole ‘seaweed’ thing, and I’m not much of an avocado eater either, but they were just too damn cute to leave their man so I bought them. I could probably have eaten them by the handful for the rest of the day but I didn’t, because I only had six.

* I loitered at The Dale for like an hour and a half, just talking shit with Kate and Trish and bitching and gossiping liberally. I like that place a lot, and it stresses me out when they are busy because I stress out around dense crowds, but it was just totally and completely dead in there today and while I’m sure that is awful for their bottom line, it is much better for my poor, tortured nerves. Honestly, on the day of my appointment next week the thing that stresses me out most is having to deal with the crowds at the airport. I just do not deal.

* My dress has come in! Not the ModCloth one, that is never coming in and my order is, apparently, on a big ol’ list of orders that are currently being cancelled as we speak, but my Living Dead dress that is as bright and as funky as the day is long. I do not have it yet (though I would like to), but I will have it tomorrow. I am picking it up from their factory and I will be sure to post photos on here and maybe Twitter to show it off, but I do have to remember to buy some fishnet tights to go with it or the look I am going for will be completely ruined.

* I am about to take my final (of seven) pill for the day and go be unconscious. Should be great.

Here Comes The Sun

I want a holiday but I can’t have one, not quite yet anyway. Everything hinges on the appointment with the surgeon Thursday-week, from there I can at least start to make tentative plans for time off in some capacity but until then I am totally in the dark. If I am unable to get my surgery performed this year my plan is to take a few days off in November when my mum will be performing in Stanthorpe (She will hire a cabin for me! I’ll wear cute dresses!), otherwise the next protracted leave of absence on my calendar will be the surgery, which will be for a period between four to six weeks and will probably be far too long for my precious sanity to bear. Right now I’m not scared of the surgery, I’m more scared at how long I will be unable to work after the surgery. There is a hard limit on how long my finances and accrued leave will allow me to not be at work, and an even harder limit on how long my mental stability will allow me to not be at work, and both of those numbers, relatively speaking, are pretty damn small. I’ll see what happens but I would not be surprised if I ended up back at work on light duties or something due to imminent madness.

That said, I’m not particularly enjoying work at the moment, but I think that is a combination of my current proximity to the surgical consult and my boss being away. The vibe of the place has taken on a kind of ramshackle quality since he has left, and though I’m apparently pretty easy to get along with and have won over the interim management team I cannot begin to pretend that they have me entirely convinced. I feel like I’ll be able to breathe easy again after Sydney – a day I’m dreading because I have two flights to make and next to no experience flying – but for now I’m on edge, and the obvious differences between how the boss runs the places and how his replacement(s) are running the place is making me restless and nervous. Everything will be fine in the long run I’m sure, hell, everything will probably feel much more relaxed after Sydney. For now, though, my flight response is screaming and my fight response in hiding and I just want it to be October already cause then at least all of this will be over or on the road to being resolved, at the least.

Sigh. Pathos. I get so wound up in my own head sometimes that it is sickening to me. But I had a good day today at least! I saw my dad for the first time in a while and it was notably not terrible, and he gave me a bag of yellow grape tomatoes to take home which were delicious. Then I saw Toby and we bought some hot chips and tooled around being unproductive for a while and that was also not terrible, and then I came home and turned all the tiny yellow tomatoes and a big red chilli and some leftover shallots into a kind of sweet chutney/salsa thing that I stuffed into huge mushrooms and ate all at once. Apart from the fact that I went kind of cray on the lemon juice it was great! Perfect end to a relaxed and lazy day. The only way it could have possibly been better is if I had met someone handsome and tall and broad and got laid as well, but hey, you can’t win em all right? At least the mandarin tree is still getting laid! Filthy hussy is having the time of her young life.

In the time it has taken me to write this the sun has set and the whole house is now almost entirely pitch black, lit up only by the glow of my computer screen and the weak LED points of various devices charging or winking out status updates. It’s nice and cool, but not oppressively so, it’s like a soft caress by long cold fingers, moving over warm supple flesh. Spring officially begins tomorrow, but between the flowers in my garden and this beautiful crisp night I think it is fair to say Spring began a while ago…to which I say, fantastic! My love affair with the cold has run its course since shedding my unwanted extra weight, and I am ready to embrace the sun. I cannot wait to see what the future holds.


Today I went HAM on my house in the spirit of spring cleaning, right up until my vacuum cleaner betrayed me by not working at all (et tu, vacuum?). After that I had a minor breakdown because that vacuum cost me like $150 and it just wasn’t fair that it should be broken in a world full of so much misery already and then I finished the house with sweeping and crying instead of mopping and singing, because that is how I react to inconsequential personal crisis. I’m pretty much exhausted, and the yard work I did this morning probably didn’t help, but least the house is nice and clean? I guess that was the goal, and for the most part I succeeded, so like, go me, or whatever. I need a nap.

I had to go to the chemist today because a blood moon is hanging over this week and both my HRT pills were due for refills at once, which means I got to enjoy the distinct pleasure of having my bank account viciously violated in front of me and being powerless to stop it. The oestrogen pills aren’t so bad, they only cost $20 or so, but the spiro man, wow. $37! That’s a hell of a figure to have to deal with on a lazy Saturday morning where you’re so broke it’s costing you money just to be in a chemist, and I was about as excited to absorb that as you could probably imagine. But I did anyway, because I am a trooper like that, and then I got my eyebrows threaded because damn it if I’m gonna be broke I’m gonna be broke in style. Then I bought a coffee and a sultana scroll from The Dale and was disappointed entirely

It was possibly the worst coffee I’ve ever had from this restaurant, and that includes the time my favourite barista was so ill she should not have been working (as the boss her options were limited however). I actually took one sip and swore out loud, it was so burnt and yuck, and do not get me wrong: this is not the first time I have ever made this order, nor even the first time I’ve dealt with this barista. I’ve been getting the same order every day for almost a year, and have dealt with this barista dozens and dozens of times, she just totally dropped the ball on this one and I feel totally ripped off. I have had problems with this barista and her coffee before, as well, and have even complained to the owner about it before. I don’t want to complain again but like…I feel like I might have to, it was just terrible. We’ll see what happens. Ugh.

At least the scroll was good!

Ramblomatic Ramblotronic

Today I almost choked to death on my own snot. Again. It was super runny and gross and terrible but it just would not stop coming, and it literally got so bad at one point that I had to stop and go to the chemist and beg them for nasal decongestants because the alternative was pretty damn grim. At least that horrible dry cough I was dealing with is gone though, so that is a definite plus! I’ve been trying my best to look after myself and apparently my efforts have borne fruit and I am now officially on the mend. I could not be more pleased.

I’m so tired that I am having trouble writing, but I guess you could sum it up by saying that it was dull enough that the most exciting part of it was wearing different kinds of stockings to work for the first time in forever. I usually wear black tights, always and forever, but today I branched out and tried some sheer tan pantyhose and subsequently spent most of the rest of the day regretting the decision. They didn’t complement my legs very well, and the shoes and skirt I wore with them were just all wrong, and they were just extremely tight around my arse and etc etc etc. It is not an experiment that I am going to repeat again any time soon, put it that way, because the results from this first run-through were just so appalling that they have disheartened me completely. I would like to be able to go bare legged or something though, that would be nice, but unfortunately we do not live in a world where I am comfortable showing people the horrible, ugly tops of my thighs, so that is right out. I’ll figure something out.

I am going to go to bed early tonight and just be unconscious for as long as possible because I feel like I’ve earned it. Be good! Or be bad. I really don’t care either way.

© 2014 Molly Speechley